Accept nothing
Believe no one 
Challenge everything 


Fear when I need to get up at 0400hrs

Sitting at my dads. The only one awake. I watched an episode of the second series of The Met: Policing London and then a short video about an horrific unexpected assault on two PCs in Hampshire. I should not have done this. (But is ignorance better than information? That’s for another time.)

My heart rate quickened, my mouth went dry and my mind raced. I was scared 

I now can’t sleep. I can’t seem to rationalise the job I do. I can’t reassure myself and I can’t do anything right now to prevent that happening to me or my colleagues. 

I’ve got a one to one tomorrow for the first time with my line manager. She is young in her role, only acting up at this time. I don’t know if I should mention the way I have felt tonight. I wonder what the consequences might be or how she’ll see me and possibly put actions in place. 

I don’t want to be scared. I want to be able to do the job effectively and fully, without the risk of danger to my colleagues or I. It makes me think about the long run, about my options for the future. 

It isn’t possible for me or anyone else to do this job without danger, risk or threat. I want to be able to avoid anything of that scale and aggression from ever happening to my colleagues and I. 


It turns out that accidentally catching a documentary about the murders of Nicola Hughes and Fiona Bone wasn’t at the right time for me. I try not to think about it when it comes to my mind or I’ll try to think about it when there’s the peace and quiet it deserves. 

There’s something I might write about another time, that everything in work and life seems to be about achieving the right balance. The balance between being detailed and being concise, between being soft enough for people to open up to you and remaining firm and cold when boundaries need to be set. 

Perhaps most importantly between acknowledging that there are people who really want to hurt us so we need to be careful and having the confidence to do the job without letting those facts stop you from leaving the nick or the car. 

Tonight it’s difficult to stomach, difficult to imagine there is a healthy medium.